VOTE... or the clown will eat you!

Today I did my civic duty. I made the founding fathers proud and kept the democratic process alive. I voted! After all, when Apartheid ended, the South African people waited in lines for over 18 days (a verifiable piece of faction) just to vote. They had a voter turnout of nearly 100 percent. There were a few people who didn't vote in that election, but it was mostly because they couldn't figure out the butterfly ballot system.

In comparison to the rest of the world, the US voter turnout is shit. The news today touted how it was record voter turnout for a non-presidential election. It was incredibly fantastic at nearly 17 percent (another fictoid for you). This is the country where more people fucking vote for their American Idol than for their president. Pretty poor for the "world center of democracy".

How can we expect to bring democracy to Iraq, when we can't even bring it in an I-ROC down to the voting location inside the elementary school administration building right down the block. See! Iraq.... I-ROC. I was going for something there that apparently didn't pan out. I'll continue.

I know many people who did not vote, do not vote, and one person that has never voted... EVER! The reasons are many and varied for these people, but they are never good. They always speak of not knowing who to vote for, not knowing the issues, and not wanting to waste their vote. I say, the only wasted vote is a vote not cast.

I think I know the reasons why most people do not vote. I will herein enlighten everyone. Everything on the ballot does not need to be voted on! If you don't know, don't vote. If you do know, do vote. If you don't not know, don't not vote. And so on double negatively. Or if you feel you must vote for everything use the following handy-dandy voting tips:


1) Vote for the most attractive person- Most democrats would be in deep trouble, because they tend to be dead from the neck up. Not a bunch of lookers. They are too busy crying about republicans, being lame, and getting the slightest bit of what could vaguely be called work done to care about personal hygiene. Whereas republicans save plenty of time between reversing previous democratic decisions and protecting family values (as well as tobacco and oil interests) to visit a day spa for a makeover.

2) Vote for the coolest name- Sometimes when caught in a pinch, I pick the person who has the most interesting, strangest, or wicked awesome name. Between Louis Smith and Andrew L. Pickwisterson, Jr., who do you think I'm going to choose.

3) Vote against the incumbent- For those of you who have never voted ever and are completely in the dark governmentally, that means the person who currently holds the office. So screw them! Is everything better? No? Then they didn't do a good job and shouldn't get another term. Plain and simple. Keep doing this every election and eventually things won't surely not never get done.... Huh?

4) Vote in cool patterns on the ballot- Remember multiple choice tests? Well if your ballot happens to have those little fill in circles then draw a house, a pretty flower, or perhaps a sketch of the White House. It will surely brighten the day of the ancient voting assistants.


With any of these simple techniques, you too can seem interested in politics. You too can do your civic duty. I mean for crying out loud! I recently moved and thought that I was not registered in my new city, so I drove 30 minutes to my previous voting location. Turns out that I had mysteriously been automatically registered in my new district when I renewed my driver's license recently. I spent one hour driving just to vote. Now, far to be compared with spending 87 days waitng in line to vote like the South Africans, or having your hand blown off by a bomb in the ballot box like in Blublahkurstan (their chief export is sunglasses), it's far more than the average American Vicky No-Vote would do.

But I'm also glad that it's over. No longer will I have to get multiple robotic phone calls from Andy Levin, John Poppageorge, Dick Devos, Jennifer Granholm (I'm in Michigan, fill in your local annoying politicians if you like) Laura Toy, Glenn Anderson, etc. No longer will they be arguing and telling me how poor the other candidates are over and over again in a mud-slinging marathon during the period when there should be commercials that are slightly less annoying. They are done, they're in and I can look forward to another long stretch of time wherein my representatives don't care a lick about me and pay me no attention.

I mean some of those minor offices, I didn't even care who got in. I just used the above voting techniques to expedite the process. The only person that I truly love is Mike Cox. Mike Cox is the best. Mike Cox rams the issues hard. Mike Cox is the one for the job. Mike Cox will give it to you straight, except maybe with a little curve to the left. The only way that I wouldn't have voted for Mike Cox would have been if Dick Tittenpuss had also been on the ballot.