Which 'A' stands for Asshole?

Car insurance. Everybody wants to have it, and if that isn't the case, everybody needs to have it. Normally, you can't get any better car insurance than through AAA. Even that little gecko has a tough time beating them when it comes to quality. Maybe not in price, but you don't see any of the money you give AAA going towards cutesy, little commercials about cavemen or little houses.

Until recently, I never had any problems with my automobile insurance. The problems are also not with the company as a whole, but with one lowly, little, thumb-sucking, moron of an agent. We'll call him Biggles.

For a bit of background, I'll note that I got a speeding ticket close to three years ago. It happened on probably the worst weekend of my life. Stay tuned for that story, I don't want to lose focus right now. Then close to two years ago, I got a not-coming-to-a-complete-stop-at-a-stop-sign ticket, and then a mere five days later got a 5 mph-over-the-limit speeding ticket.

Let me just say that I am actually a good driver. And not a good driver like Rainman is a good driver. I am actually very cautious and drive better than 90% of the other make-up fixing, burger eating, radio changing, cell phone calling, kid smacking, dog on my lap brain trusts out there. I just happen to be unlucky when it comes to getting tickets.

I know for a fact, that I drive better than a past coworker. She was 45 at the time and routinely went 15 miles over the speed limit, rolled through all stop signs, ignored yield signs, and drove threw the occasionally TWO red lights in a row. The reason I know this for a fact, is that I happened to be behind her on the way to work one day. She had a highly memorable car. A bright, yellow, pick-up truck. So, not hard to recognize, and also not very inconspicuous. I later, asked her her driving record given the fact that she was a shitty at doing so. Never got a ticket! Ever! This is why I am pissed off. Well, one of the reasons... getting back to Biggles.

After buying my new house, I needed to change my insurance coverage and address. I come to find out that I am still considered a <25 year old, driving for pleasure, and living at my parents house. OK, no sense whatsoever...

First off, what does driving for pleasure mean? I'm not rolling around the streets, turning corners orgasmically? "Holy shit! A yellow light... that makes me so horny! Oh my GOD! No left turn!" The fact that I am 3 years older than 25, and drive to work all the time is beside the point. Also, I wanted to join a credit union for the discount on my insurance, and automatic payments. All of that needed to change.

This past February, I go in, speak with Biggles, and fix everything, by paying a small fee. Sometime in late May, my parents go to their AAA agent, who notifies them to notify me, that I'm still marked as living with them, and my insurance will be cancelled if it's not changed immediately. I go back to Biggles, the man who was so brilliant that he messed up 50% of the things I needed done the last time I saw him. My membership was cancelled and begun again in order to fix all the problems, by throwing a little bit more money at it. Biggles smiled.

Along comes August, wherein I get a letter informing me that my insurance is to be cancelled.... again. I return to Biggles, interrupting his drooling marathon. Biggles had mistakenly put me into the gold membership, despite the fact that his computer told him that I had too many tickets to be eligible. But come back at the end of August, cancel my membership, and restart in a higher risk category, and all will be forgiven... if I put my payment in a black briefcase, making sure they are all unmarked bills of small denomination with irregular serial numbers. Place it in the potted plant on my way out. Biggles also states that it is OK, I will only have to pay this new higher rate until September when points come of my account.

Fast forward to today. Exactly today. I go in at my prearranged appointment time. Biggles is waiting. He wipes the snot off his palm and then shakes my hand. He makes sure I have the money. He reassures me that this is no big deal, and it will only be until January. I briskly remind Biggles that last time, he had told me it would only be three weeks until the end of September. Biggles says no, he didn't say that. I remind him again that he did.

Biggles tiny brain mouse smells the piece of cheese, and begins to slowly walk on his cerebral wheel. The wheel is a little rusty from disuse, so it takes him a while to read the compiled letters that form words on his computer screen. Turns out Biggles was wrong again. It's going to be until January, because my points come off my account in September, but not my eligibility points. Oh, and it won't be until January of 2008. I mentally threaten him with physical injury (basically picturing myself punching Biggles in the fucking huge, bulbous nose) and tell him that he is once more incorrect. Biggles doesn't say "Duh, a-boy, you're right!" but let's just pretend that he did.

So, now everything is settled, not back to normal, but settled. All I'm left with is a lingering feeling of complete rage, and a bill every month until January 2007. Oh yeah, I can't use my autotmatic billing at my credit union until then. Thanks Biggles! Way to go big guy! I'll never be seeing you, because if you think that you're still my auto insurance agent, then you really are a stupid bastard! You're never touching my account again! Join us next time for the continuing adventures when "Biggles Combs His Hair."