All you need is a mallet

Thank you very much, Simon Cowell, for bringing us yet another insipid "reality" TV contestant show. American Idol was not bad enough, now we have America's Got Talent. I think that there was a graphic design error, and the question mark was left off the end of the title.

Basically the premise is to have people, with no shame, come up on stage, introduced by a celebrity, and judged by three celebrities. Regis Philbin might as well be an old, heterosexual Ryan Seacrest. David Hasselhoff is a white Randy jackson who doesn't say "dawg" every 3 seconds. Brandy is just as insane as Paula Abdul, except that she never danced with an animated cat in a video. The annoying British guy is... well, on this show he's NOT Simon Cowell. So I guess that's different?

Each judge has a button to press to X the act. If there are all three X's... then it is the Watterson's turn to try and match the best answer surveyed from one hundred people. Wait a minute? I'm getting confused here... All three X's and the act is gone.

The judges do all kinds of cutesy, stupid things like pressing each others buttons and then feigning anger. "Aww shucks, you pressed my button, tee hee! I really liked the man who juggled three balls. Maybe one more second and you would have, too. Maybe he was going to add a fourth! We'll never know now. Grrrr! I am very angry! Watch my acting skills. I played opposite a talking car don't forget."

It's basically American Idol, except not as coherent an idea. Wait a minute... no it's not! It's the fricking Gong Show!!! It's just missing Chuck Barris clapping his hand a thousand times. And exchange the judges with Jamie Farr, Ruth Buzzi, and Nipsy Russel, and you've got the same goddam show. In fact I think I even saw Gene-Gene, the Dancing Machine last night. What in the crap!

And the prize is one million dollars. A million! So that obviously means that the show is pegged to make at least 100 times that, if not more. So thank you British producer, for bringing back a shitty, fake game show from the late 70's. Mr. Cowell's next endeavor? Having ordinary people try to answer the question that celebrities like Peter Scolari and David Faustino are giving them clues to... American Pyramid. Geez! America's Got Talent? Simon Cowell's Got Balls, that's what he has.