Tim Burton and the Pretentious Movie

First, let me start by saying that I did not dislike Tim Burton's remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Overall, it was a fairly good movie. I really do enjoy Johnny Depp. I think he is an interesting actor. Nevermind the fact that he lives in France because he said the United States is too violent (can anyone say From Hell, or perhaps Sleepy Hollow?) But he plays kooky, funny characters with really keen, neato voices, so he's cool.

Anyway, Tim Burton is the real character here. He thought that the original film was goofy and dumb, because it contained midgets in grease paint, silly musical numbers, and didn't really follow the book. He was stated as saying he didn't really like the first film. Apparently, he didn't really like the original Planet of the Apes movies, either. OK, so I lifted that joke from Best Week Ever. It was funny there, and is still poignant here, as now I get to say what an utterly horrible movie Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes was. They should have called it Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch... hahaha, I just.... made that..... up! Ahem, yeah, whatever.

Anyway, again... apparently Tim Burton felt that the world really needed another remake. As if there are not enough out there already. Hollywood is already full to the brim with them, and this summer has literally been packed. War of the Worlds... Tom Cruise crap, that didn't really need to be made. See the original movie, or listen to the Orson Welles radio broadcast, or for crying out loud read the book, or maybe even watch the TV series... oh yeah, there was a TV series. Guess Who? Try Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, only the guest was white not black. The Honeymooners? Just stop, please stop. Bewitched? The Bad News Bears? Herbie? The Dukes of Hazzard? The Pink Panther? I'm sorry Steve Martin. I enjoy you... but NO, bad Steve Martin, bad! Where was I?

Oh yes, belittling Hollywood's lack of creativity. But back to Tim Burton's candy tour de force. So let's revisit his problems with the first film.

Goofy and dumb: I'm sure I don't have to tell you that a Tim Burton film always follows these criteria, and especially this film.

Midgets in grease paint: They're not in grease paint, but I think a million Deep Roy's is scarier than the original Oompa Loompas.

Silly musical numbers: Not as many, but they are there. And they are also very hard to hear and understand being rendered unintelligble by Danny Elfman's brilliantly blasted score behind them. There's another focus. What the Hell is going on between Tim Burton and Danny Elfman? What kind of relationship is that?

And finally, the original didn't really follow the book: Now Tim Burton does a pretty good job for the basics of the movie, but being Tim Burton he still inserts a trite and contrived piece of sugar syrup nestled nicely into his weird, grim outlook on the universe. However, it is definitely not in the book.

So all of his problems with the original film are baseless. He does every single thing that he claimed he disliked in the original. You can go and see the new movie, and you will enjoy it. That wasn't meant to sound like a demand, it was only a suggestion. However, there is no way that this film is going to become as classic as the original. They won't be airing it every year around Eastertime, or Thankgiving, or Christmas, whenever it is they air the original.

About the best thing I can say about the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, is that I am not sure who would win in a Willy Wonk-off: Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp. It's a tough call. But even with Johnny Depp's children show host/pedophile/Michael Jackson impression (oh my gosh, I didn't just say that did I?) I still think that Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka was crazier and slightly scarier.

On a closing note, Tim Burton has a new stop-motion movie, Corpse Bride, from the makers of Nightmare Before Christmas, coming to a theater near you. It is also coming to a Hot Topic near you, in every conceivable form.