A couple of Plastic Forks...

This weekend I went to a friend of a friend's housewarming party. The name was more than appropriate. It was fricking hot in that house! Even with the air conditioning on, it was still cooler outside, where it was approximately 92 degrees. It was more like a housesweating, and I felt really bad that I was ruining their brand new hardwood floor.

See, the couple who owned the house, built the house. And yikes, the house was huge! They had enough rooms to be like insanely rich people, and make one of them a gift-wrapping room. They had dedicated service plumbing. (And no, that's not a joke, that's actually true.)

Yet, their house was still not as big as some of the other properties in their subdivision. After driving through the gate, and visiting for a while, a few friends and I walked the trail behind the house that encircled the neighborhood. The trail butted up to the perimeter of the neighborhood, which was marked with a ten foot tall chain link fence, topped with razor wire. I believe it was there to keep the Stepford wives inside the compound... I mean neighborhood.

Along the trail, which was in parts topped with wood chips, and let me tell you not very comfortable to walk in sandals on wood chips, but anyway... gigantic houses even bigger than the housesweating party house, were everywhere. One house... had a train set... outside... around the house! I think Ricky Schroeder lived there.

The trail ended at a man-made lake, with a beach, that was apparently stocked with all types of fish and aquatic life, like ceolocanths, kiwa hirsutas, and Charlie: the Starkist tuna. Crazy!

While walking along the beach I tripped on a yellow line of twine. Apparently, the Howells can't stand geese pooping on their lawn, so they put up this line around their yard that is about 2 inches off the ground. Why? Geese, who are able to fly and swim, are not able to get on their lawn, because they can't walk over this line. Now I am not sure who is more stupid. The owners thinking it will keep geese off their lawn in all cases, or the geese, that can't even fricking walk, or even fly, over that little line.

Also, I would think that the owners would like the geese on their lawn, in order to provide some free fertilizer. I guess, if you are rich even to own a house in a gated community, surrounded by fences and razor wire, that has its own lake and beach, stocked with fish, and your neighbor has a goddam train in his backyard, then you don't really worry about saving a few bucks on fertilizer. I guess, you are probably rich enough to hire Mexicans to come and do that for you. And I don't mean fertilize and maintain your lawn. I mean actually shit on it. All you have to do is fry some beans... twice, offer it to the help, and they have at it. "Jose, you missed a spot over there. Make sure to get your fecal material all over the lawn this time!"

But it sure is a real shame when Mexicans come into the US and steal all the good jobs like that from hardworking Americans. There are many US citizens out of work, because they are no longer able to make enough money shitting on lawns. The Mexicans have just undercut them. Most Americans that were PLS, or Professional Lawn Shitters, just can't compete. I mean some even have advanced degrees in ACF, or Agricultural Colonic Fertilzation, that are now useless. They can't even get a job pooping in a potted plant. That's why we must stop illegal immigration, because... they took our jobs! All the really, really, REALLY good ones, too... Ummm.... what was I talking about?