Death to all alarm clocks

Well, except for mine, because I need it to get up in the morning. But it still doesn't mean that I appreciate that vile box of wires and noise at 7 AM. I have always hated alarm clocks. I would much rather wake up gently, with the sun slowly caressing my face like an Emily Dickinson poem. BUT NO!!! I have to have this fucking electrical cube that pisses me off.

When I first started using alarm clocks, it was the buzzer. Nothing in the world makes a more annoying sound, unless of course Fran Drescher were trapped in a cage in the corner of my room, and someone poked her, repeatedly, with a stick in order to wake me up. Now, I wouldn't want that waking me up, because that would be worse... but I like the idea of her in a cage being poked with a stick... hmmm?

This buzzer was so annoying and hated that whenever I heard something that was remotely like it anyway in my life (TV, store, prison...) I would immediately clench up and get that horrible, "Ugh, I have to get up feeling." I had no idea that I had gone all Pavlovian on my own ass, and conditioned myself in this way.

Anyway, it took me many years during middle school and early high school to realize that it was very easy to switch from a buzzer to the radio for the alarm (I learned me good from my edumacation). So that is what I did. No more buzzer. The soft soothing sounds of music would now bring me into another day. Good idea on the surface, but there was a problem. Right before the buzzer sounds, or the radio goes on, or anything else begins on almost any alarm clock, there is a little electrical click of the whole damn thing powering up. This is now the noise that I hate in the morning. It is present for maybe a millisecond and I hate it! Now I have connected my psyche intimately to this noise. Great! But that's how it goes.

Oh yeah, what's worse... the first song that you hear in the morning becomes lodged in your brain for about six and a half hours. Not so bad you say... well to that I have to say, "MOTORIN'! What's your price for flight..." I rest my case.

But there is so much more vile things about alarm clocks. That stupid ass sleep button! Who the hell needs this button? For those of you who may not know, the sleep button is pressed and held down and then you may choose how many minutes your radio will play before it turns of, presumably after you are asleep. "Hmmm, I think I will listen to 23 minutes of music before bedtime tonight." Who? What? What's worse is that this button is right next to the button that turns off the damn alarm! So here you go, try and turn it off, and miss in a sleep rattled state, and now you have to continue pressing this button until it turns off. Dammit!

And finally, the snooze. The most useless button on an alarm clock. Now I know many people out there probably love there snooze. But what is the point? "Oh alarm, why did you go off? I am still so sleepy. I think I shall press the snooze button and perhaps sleep for 7 minutes, or maybe even 9 minutes, or maybe some other useless amount of time. Just enough time to not sleep at all, except at the last 30 seconds before the alarma clock goess off.... AGAIN! That way, I can have the horror of the alarm clock twice in one morning. Terrific! Thank you White-Westinghouse engineers. You guys are geniuses!" And I know some of you do that. Why? Some even press it three or four times? WHY!?! Just do what I do... reset your alarm for like 45 minutes later. Now that's a snooze!

Mostly I do that though if I wake up say, oh about 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. Which is another thing that pisses me off. Stupid brain with its internal clock memory. That is the worst feeling ever. Waking up slightly and then sitting there wondering if you should look at the clock to see what time it is. If you don't look, the alarm is probably going to go off in ten minutes and piss you off. If you do look, then it's probably 5 minutes until your alarm goes off and that will piss you off too. However, to end on a happy note, I'll share with you one of life's little pleasures. Whenever you wake up and there is still like two hours left for you to sleep... ahhh, beautiful. Sometimes it makes me feel so good that I don't even poke Fran Drescher with a stick.